1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,160
Well, the difference
between cats and dogs...

2
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:06,960
cats don't wag their tail like a
dog.

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960
And erm...
Yes, they do.

4
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960
Sometimes they do.
They don't go...

5
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,960
Oh, no. They don't do that.

6
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,960
Erm, and they don't...

7
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,000
sit and go... (PANTS)

8
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,960
And they don't fetch balls
as well as dogs.

9
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,960
And they don't...

10
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,960
One's got a waggy tail
and a cold nose

11
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,960
and the claws
are totally contracted all the time.

12
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,960
Whereas the others contract
their claws and have sharper teeth

13
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,960
and...pointed ears.

14
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,960
Which one's which?

15
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:07,960
The cats are the ones with
contracted claws and sharp teeth

16
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960
and sharp, pointed ears.

17
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:14,000
(COUGHS) Excuse me.
I think I'm an oddity.

18
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,960
I've got a foot in both camps,
really.

19
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,960
And er...I appreciate either animal

20
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,800
for very different qualities.

21
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,000
I like dogs
better than cats, though.

22
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,160
I don't.
They seem to be...

23
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,320
more friendly, somehow.

24
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,960
Dogs greet you,
whereas cats just sit.

25
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,960
They can sleep for so long.

26
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,960
Cats can appear to be lazy.

27
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,800
But I don't think they are.

28
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,960
They have big claws.

29
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,960
Like bears.

30
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,960
And they look like bears.

31
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,960
They just sit about all day
and get fed

32
00:01:55,960 --> 00:02:03,640
and go miaaaow, miaaaow,
miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow.

33
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,960
I find cats,
they claw the carpet a lot.

34
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,160
They're a complete nuisance,
actually.

35
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,960
Miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow.

36
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,960
I think you get more out of a dog
in...in response.

37
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,800
They're more interesting.

38
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,960
I think they're thicker than cats,
personally.

39
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
Do you?
I do.

40
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:27,960
Miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow.

41
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,000
And I go, shut up.

42
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,960
I used to be a chaser, myself.

43
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960
But, I mean...

44
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,960
..it's about what?

45
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,320
It's all about competitiveness.

46
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,960
You see these blokes who say
they've been let off a lead.

47
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,960
And then, like...

48
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,960
what a life, man.

49
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,960
Watching hounds after a hare.
You know what I mean? It's...

50
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,960
I've been bitten by dogs,
I've been bitten by cats,

51
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,960
I've been bitten by...

52
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,960
oooh...you name it, I'll claim it.

53
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,320
Once I was walking past a um...

54
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,960
..a house
and the door suddenly flew open

55
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,960
and a dog with a head
the size of erm...

56
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:18,640
Albania jumped out and its teeth
were an inch away from my face.

57
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,960
And its mouth was so big,

58
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:24,960
I could have lived
inside that mouth quite comfortably.

59
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
And I was nearly killed.

60
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,960
I've been chased by a Great Dane,
a slavering big thing.

61
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,960
And it frightened me.

62
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,960
I've been bitten by a beagle,

63
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,960
I've been chased
by an Old English sheepdog...

64
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,960
(GIGGLES)

65
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,960
...which was er...

66
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,960
I would say that was a springboard
into me becoming a Christian.

67
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,640
Mm.

68
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,960
You always say dogs come sniffing
at your private parts.

69
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
Do I?

70
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,960
That's one thing you always say.
Well, they tell me they're not.

71
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960
They're just being affectionate.

72
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,960
Dogs wag their tails to get
the smell of their farts away.

73
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,960
And the cat just walks around
with its tail in the air.

74
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:14,160
Dogs I like very much
because of their great intelligence

75
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,960
and loyalty generally.

76
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,960
They're just so animated and...

77
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960
..you know, are...great chums.

78
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
I don't think I've ever had fleas.

79
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960
The closest I ever got was scabies.

80
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,960
And that was quite er...
quite bad enough.

81
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,960
You had to entirely cover your body
from head to toe

82
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960
with this alcohol solution.

83
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
And there was always
this nagging doubt

84
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,960
that some part of your anatomy
would catch light, like a fuse.

85
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:45,960
And it would just be
an enormous blue puff.

86
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,960
I think the best thing to do
is to put on some flea powder,

87
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
which you get from the vet.

88
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,320
It's probably not a good idea
to have a good scratch,

89
00:04:54,320 --> 00:05:00,960
because um, that makes it red and
raw and a bit rough, and everything.

90
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,160
You know, I've never had
any breed that's been...

91
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:07,960
a kind of a pampered...you know,

92
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:08,960
pooch, you know.

93
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,000
They breed these mutant dogs,
don't they,

94
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,160
and give them awards
for how mutated they look.

95
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,960
And if it's the perfect mutant,
it's got a pedigree.

96
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:22,960
But it you crossbreed with another
mutant, it's called a mongrel.

97
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,960
Most pedigree dogs,
to get 'em perfect,

98
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960
you've got things wrong with 'em.

99
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,960
The er...

100
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,960
It's either the bull terrier
or the bulldog can hardly breathe.

101
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,480
Cos they're bred into 'em,
that flattened face.

102
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,960
It's a bulldog, innit?

103
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,960
A lot of the breeds have suffered,
the ones they show at Crufts.

104
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,960
They look ridiculous,
with silly bows.

105
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,960
They look stupid.

106
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960
I'm certainly a loyal companion.

107
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:56,480
But I have to say I've been
let down a lot, too, in my life.

108
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,960
I might be very loyal, but I do,
like my father said before me...

109
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,160
..he said,
"You trust everybody once."

110
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,960
And that's what I do.

111
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,960
I trust everybody once,
no matter who they are.

112
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:17,960
So, I'm loyal...
to the point...of disloyalty.

113
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,960
Cats, on the other hand...

114
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,960
..they are the clever ones.

115
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,960
They give humans nothing.

116
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960
I'm not a cat person.
No. They're not loving enough.

117
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,960
And they hiss a bit
and they don't do anything.

118
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,640
They wee all over the garden
and leave brown stains on the grass

119
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,960
and just make a nuisance
of themselves. (LAUGHS)

120
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960
(LAUGHS)

121
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,960
I've defecated outside.
Course I have.

122
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,960
You know what I mean?

123
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,960
If you step in dog mess...

124
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,160
erm...then it's...
it's not very hygienic

125
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,320
and it's not very um...

126
00:06:58,320 --> 00:06:59,960
It's just not nice.

127
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,960
You kind of get an antenna.

128
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,800
It's like you see...
(MAKES POPPING SOUNDS)

129
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,160
What's going on over there?

130
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,960
Sidestep it.

131
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,320
And if you can't,
make sure you come through it.

132
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,960
At the end of the day,
cats, when they go to the toilet,

133
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,960
they clean up
and cover up after them.

134
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:19,160
And that has got to be
a sign of higher intelligence.

135
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,640
That's a dirty, filthy business.

136
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:28,960
And that ought to be
stopped totally.

137
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,640
I think dogs are more... For a
start, I think they smell more.

138
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,160
Whereas a cat,
you can leave a cat to it...

139
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:41,000
whereas with a dog...

140
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,960
But if you've got
a burglar coming in your house,

141
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960
at least a dog makes a noise.

142
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,000
Yeah, but you could
throw the cat at the burglar.

143
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,960
That's a silly thing to say.

144
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,960
Dogs are more interesting,
and that's the end of it. (LAUGHS)

145
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,960
No, it's not the end of it.

146
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,960
We'll just have to
agree to disagree, then.

147
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,000
I've got a lovely smile,
my mum says.

148
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,960
So...

149
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,960
I look good for my age, too.

150
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,960
No.

151
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
I can't...

152
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960
No.

153
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,960
No, I think I'm...

154
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,960
No.

155
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,960
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